Saturday, February 16, 2013
The Greatest of These
I wait. I sit. I stand. I pace. It’s a race, against time, against my illusion of falling short. I can’t wait any longer. You do what I want, when I want, how I want. Never soon enough. Never good enough. Stop wasting my time. It’s mine, not yours. Still pacing. If it’s not now it must not be right. Have to fight the wait or I might burst. Urgent. And then you say that. Do that. Like this. Have that. No way. I can’t approve. Is that what moves you? I turn away. A pace of frustration. Hard heart of condemnation. Hands in my pockets, key to my eyes, shut, turned, and locked it. Won’t see you right now. No time to crouch down and examine the grounds you walk on or offer a shoe made of a better compound. It just can’t be me.
But It says no, you have it all wrong. When you have to wait long, isn’t it worth it to hear the end of the song? The crescendo of completion, the final resolution, the awaited transformation. How much better, It coaxes, when you take off your watch, time is lost and your brother is found. Not abandoned or condemned. Not rejected or shed. Not wasted but drowned in It. Found worth the extra minute. With It I can sit again and wait. With It I have words that open, tend, offer, ease. I can see what is there and do what needs to be done. No longer pace, but smile on my face because it’s not falling short- It is a force that changes the game, changes the need, changes the end, and changes me.
I want. You have it. I don’t. And what’s more, I deserve it. I’m entitled, qualified, justified. It was handed to you. Inheritance. Talent. Personality. Luck. What a waste. Squandered. Distaste. But I work hard, I want what I earned. What I should have, could have earned. Used. Correctly. Don’t you see me? Haven’t you realized my worth, my status, my lifestyle, my intelligence, confidence, obedience, and innocence? I’m at the top, well at least over you. What I could do with what you have, what you feel, what you’ll be. The world would be different. Brighter. And at the center would be me. Atop piles of respect, appreciation, accreditation, admiration. Because let’s face it. You’re full of mistakes, heartaches, you make your own choices and choose the wrong the paths. You may have a brain. A friend. An extra dollar. A taste of success. But you don’t have a future. Not like me. If only I were free to take it.
Not It. Wouldn’t take it if I had It. The right It. The It that applauds from the sideline. The It that cheers what isn’t mine. When you're atop of the mounds, It is nowhere to be found. But when you're on the ground It might stick around. If you use It to see the good in others. The gifts of others. The grieves of others. Because you’re not who you say you are. And haven’t I gotten to where I am now because of It? It builds up and doesn’t tear down. It gives high fives instead of letting them drown. It shows me my scars so I can see theirs. Stop blinding your eyes, It beckons, and see the image of unity, diversity, commonality, and necessity. You have it, I don’t, but with It, I am still thankful for you.
I watch. Fall after fall. And I don’t care. He probably deserved it. The next time I’ll encourage it. Maybe I’ll push him myself. Someone has to do it. Prove it. Reveal it. Disguise it. Avoid it. Whatever it takes. Besides, if it makes me better, why not? If it makes me mightier, why not? If it moves me up, why not? No rules. A school of thought where others falling and failing and crashing and burning are no longer tragedies, calamities, absurdities, or worries. Now they are trophies. A token to me- I’ve stumbled but don’t drop, I trip but I stop before hitting the ground, before the ultimate plop. Or maybe I fall, but it no longer matters. Mischievous, I flatter myself with rationalization, dramatization. Desensitized. Unresponsive. I used to push, but now I pull. From the inside. Because who cares? There are worse things in life than to fall. Worse things. I’m not the worst. I’ve fallen- no longer the best, but as long as I’m higher than one of the rest, I can’t be in trouble. Of It I can still profess.
Or can I? Because It wouldn’t push and It certainly wouldn’t pull. Not when it comes to bridges, oceans, and holes. The real triumph in life isn’t the ladder. It isn’t the tower. It isn’t the power. The real triumph in life is when It multiplies, without penalizing or jeopardizing. A conquest, It embarks on, to promote integrity, veracity, authenticity, and benign justice. It celebrates something worthwhile, profitable, and freeing. The bondage of falling is broken by It. The lies of failing can’t endure It. The wounds of breaking are soothed by It. The defense of inability is inferior to it. Fall after fall, and because of It, I care. I care a lot.
No other armor is better than It. Swords thrust. Bullets ravage. Armies approach. Rains pound. Failures threaten. Desires linger. Desolation hovers. Lies caress. But It overcomes. But It never falters, dissipates, weakens, cracks, runs, or hides. The past is pacified by It. The present is guided by It. The future is enlivened by It. No other armor can protect such a frail body. No other armor can retain such a wayward spirit. No other armor can sustain such a ravenous heart. Metal corrodes, greenery wilts, word expires. And It isn’t even done yet. Even in this capacity It has yet to be perfected. This extravagant armor is simply a fierce cross-section of what I wait for.
I have confidence because of It. I have conviction for the rest of It. I am content in the midst of It.
And It is Love.
Monday, February 4, 2013
I'm Date Mike, Nice to Meet Me.
Three years ago, on February 2nd, Mike and I started dating. In honor of this I have compiled a top ten list of date memories slash awesome things Mike did for me during those sweet seven months. High five for love.
1. Mike taught me how to play tennis. We actually started doing this before we started dating. Every Tuesday we would go to Chapel and then he would give me a tennis lesson, followed by lunch in the caf. Mike is a very, very patient man. And a good teacher- my skills have shown visible improvement. Tennis has played a large part in our relationship- we officially began dating after one of those tennis lessons, during a more interesting conversation in the caf. A well-planned proposal 7 months later on the tennis court and we were engaged.
2. Mike introduced me to the Simpsons. The Simpsons are one of the more dysfunctional families I’ve ever encountered, however, the satire makes me chuckle. We watched many Simpsons episodes in the Wild.
3. Mike wrote and sang me a song. Mike has an amazing voice. I got the privilege of being the inspiration to a song he wrote (actually before we dated, but I didn’t know that) for me and sang to me in the kitchen of the Wild (aka Wildnerness Mission House, aka his living quarters). He also sang to me at our wedding. Now I get to hear him sing all the time!
4. Mike stayed up late to be with me, even though he was exhausted from baseball and classes. Mike started college in accounting but switched to pre-med. Therefore he had a billion hours of labs to get in plus his regular classes. PLUS he was in baseball that often had practices from 9-12 at night. His days were exhausting, but instead of going to a much-deserved and needed sleep, he would stop by Fern and spend some time with me. He always found time to fit me in his schedule and it meant a lot because I knew how much he had going on.
5. Mike took me star gazing at the golf course. It was very peaceful, well until the police came and shone a light around looking for us. Good thing we set up shop a good distance from our vehicle. No harm, no foul!
6. Mike smiled at me a lot. If you know Mike, you know he is a very friendly guy who always has a smile for anyone. And no offense to you guys, but he has a different smile especially for me. I guess you could say I’m his favorite person. Whenever I would walk by or come up to him he always smiled that special smile and it made me feel so happy and loved.
7. Mike wrote me nice notes. He always makes me laugh. Sometimes his notes would be serious- all that mushy stuff some haters make fun of- which for the record, when it’s directed at you by the man of your dreams, it is the favorite part of your day. And sometimes they wouldn’t make much sense and were usually signed by an alias like Big Mike From the Hood. We wrote letters back and forth to each other the summer we had to be apart, and I’m glad we did because now I have a whole archive of ‘sweet nothings’ I can read at my leisure.
8. Mike stuck around after my rampages. I don’t get mad very easily, but if I do- I’m MAD. Mike saw this firsthand. We had a co-ed intramural volleyball team together (Yeah Walter!!) that was very good. And no I did not date him so I could have a 6’7’’ rock star on my volleyball team. But it sure helped. However, I took each game very seriously and knew we could be the champions, so when we didn’t win every single game (Note: we did make it to the championship both years), I didn’t take it very well. One might call it rage. I just call it uncontrollable disappointment. Mike got to witness this rage. One particular time I needed to release some frustration so we went outside and I chucked rocks at the cement. A week later he pitched to me in the batting cage- a more constructive form of release I suppose. Which leads me to my next point...
9. Mike helped me be less reckless. Clearly I wasn’t as calm as a normal person should be. I drove too fast. I ran into things (not via my vehicle, just my body). I didn’t sleep much. Mike helped me become more normal and safe. After all, what’s the point of being married if I do something stupid and kill myself before we can do awesome things- kinda selfish. But don’t worry, it was an exchange of sorts. I helped him become MORE reckless. So now we are two balanced people who won’t go so far as to endanger lives, but will go so far as to appear ‘foolish’ or ‘immature’ or ‘the most funnest people you’ll ever meet.’ Take your pick.
10. Finally, the highlight of our dating experience. He proposed. The promise of forever! As I mentioned earlier, he proposed on the tennis court with an awesome little flip book he drew himself. (I believe there is still the video of it somewhere on my facebook page if you are interested.) September 16, 2010- I’ve never smiled so much in my entire life. Well. Except our actual wedding day.
Michael Shields, I'm so glad I met you :)
1. Mike taught me how to play tennis. We actually started doing this before we started dating. Every Tuesday we would go to Chapel and then he would give me a tennis lesson, followed by lunch in the caf. Mike is a very, very patient man. And a good teacher- my skills have shown visible improvement. Tennis has played a large part in our relationship- we officially began dating after one of those tennis lessons, during a more interesting conversation in the caf. A well-planned proposal 7 months later on the tennis court and we were engaged.
2. Mike introduced me to the Simpsons. The Simpsons are one of the more dysfunctional families I’ve ever encountered, however, the satire makes me chuckle. We watched many Simpsons episodes in the Wild.
3. Mike wrote and sang me a song. Mike has an amazing voice. I got the privilege of being the inspiration to a song he wrote (actually before we dated, but I didn’t know that) for me and sang to me in the kitchen of the Wild (aka Wildnerness Mission House, aka his living quarters). He also sang to me at our wedding. Now I get to hear him sing all the time!
4. Mike stayed up late to be with me, even though he was exhausted from baseball and classes. Mike started college in accounting but switched to pre-med. Therefore he had a billion hours of labs to get in plus his regular classes. PLUS he was in baseball that often had practices from 9-12 at night. His days were exhausting, but instead of going to a much-deserved and needed sleep, he would stop by Fern and spend some time with me. He always found time to fit me in his schedule and it meant a lot because I knew how much he had going on.
5. Mike took me star gazing at the golf course. It was very peaceful, well until the police came and shone a light around looking for us. Good thing we set up shop a good distance from our vehicle. No harm, no foul!
6. Mike smiled at me a lot. If you know Mike, you know he is a very friendly guy who always has a smile for anyone. And no offense to you guys, but he has a different smile especially for me. I guess you could say I’m his favorite person. Whenever I would walk by or come up to him he always smiled that special smile and it made me feel so happy and loved.
7. Mike wrote me nice notes. He always makes me laugh. Sometimes his notes would be serious- all that mushy stuff some haters make fun of- which for the record, when it’s directed at you by the man of your dreams, it is the favorite part of your day. And sometimes they wouldn’t make much sense and were usually signed by an alias like Big Mike From the Hood. We wrote letters back and forth to each other the summer we had to be apart, and I’m glad we did because now I have a whole archive of ‘sweet nothings’ I can read at my leisure.
8. Mike stuck around after my rampages. I don’t get mad very easily, but if I do- I’m MAD. Mike saw this firsthand. We had a co-ed intramural volleyball team together (Yeah Walter!!) that was very good. And no I did not date him so I could have a 6’7’’ rock star on my volleyball team. But it sure helped. However, I took each game very seriously and knew we could be the champions, so when we didn’t win every single game (Note: we did make it to the championship both years), I didn’t take it very well. One might call it rage. I just call it uncontrollable disappointment. Mike got to witness this rage. One particular time I needed to release some frustration so we went outside and I chucked rocks at the cement. A week later he pitched to me in the batting cage- a more constructive form of release I suppose. Which leads me to my next point...
9. Mike helped me be less reckless. Clearly I wasn’t as calm as a normal person should be. I drove too fast. I ran into things (not via my vehicle, just my body). I didn’t sleep much. Mike helped me become more normal and safe. After all, what’s the point of being married if I do something stupid and kill myself before we can do awesome things- kinda selfish. But don’t worry, it was an exchange of sorts. I helped him become MORE reckless. So now we are two balanced people who won’t go so far as to endanger lives, but will go so far as to appear ‘foolish’ or ‘immature’ or ‘the most funnest people you’ll ever meet.’ Take your pick.
10. Finally, the highlight of our dating experience. He proposed. The promise of forever! As I mentioned earlier, he proposed on the tennis court with an awesome little flip book he drew himself. (I believe there is still the video of it somewhere on my facebook page if you are interested.) September 16, 2010- I’ve never smiled so much in my entire life. Well. Except our actual wedding day.
Michael Shields, I'm so glad I met you :)
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